plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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