I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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