Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
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She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
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I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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