Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We were destined to go to rehab together
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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