take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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