New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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