im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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