if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
