sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
