did you get engaged???
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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