btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
