I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
