i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It was confusing and full of hummus
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You are the jesus of drinking
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
