I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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