I just threw up on my dentist
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize