my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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