are you still at the devil's house?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
