Already got asked if we're dating
This girl is more easily done than said...
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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