dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i out mim tonsoeep
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