You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
