PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
