I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
