Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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