just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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