the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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