I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
