he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
