Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
