there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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