I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
There are leaves in my underwear?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
