Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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