Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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