I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
