I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
