some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i out mim tonsoeep
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
