you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
