i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
