The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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