if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
