i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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