who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
