listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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