ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
