I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Mom said you looked used
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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