Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
