Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
