I cannot find my penis.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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