So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
