captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
