dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
