My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize