I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
