shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
