she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
