how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
