i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
bring money and cleavage
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
