I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just invented taco cereal.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
