Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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