there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
